recovery is REALLY hard when you're not underweight.

it's the first time i ever felt this lonely
i wish someone could cure this pain
it's funny when you think its gonna work out

can't you see that you lie to yourself
you can't see the world through a mirror
it wont be too late when the smoke clears
'cause i, i am still here

********

as i was walking through a life one morning
the sun was out, the air was warm, but
oh, i was cold
and though i must have looked half a person,
to tell the tale, in my own version,
it was only then that i felt whole

fighting for the smallest goal: to get a little self-control
 i see it in your eyes, i see it in your spine.

and even the nights, they could get better
and even the days ain't all that bad
and after a week of fighting, as more and more it seems the right thing

fighting for the smallest goal: to gain a little self-control
won't anybody here just let you disappear?
not doctors, nor your mom and dad, but me and Mia, Ann and Ana
know how hard you try. don't you see it in my eyes?
sick to death of my dependence, fighting food to find transcendence
fighting to survive, more dead but more alive
cigarettes and speed for livin', and sleeping pills to feel forgiven
all that you contrive, and all that you're deprived
all the bourgeois social angels telling you you've got to change
don't have any idea. they'll never see so clear...

*********
and i wanna believe you,
when you tell me that it'll be ok
yeah i try to believe you...
but i don't.

*********

i'm never going to be okay. what's the point in continuing with life if i'm only going to be able to give 20% to everything i do? i want to give 110%, always. always. i want to do so many things, run around, be so fucking busy that i don't have to think anymore. just be a whirlwind of colors, a flurry of activity and accomplishment. i want to be achievements and accomplishments and chatter. spin around in a tornado so fast that you only see the outside, only see the results it leaves; never slowing enough for anyone to be able to see the inside. what happens when the inside is no longer contained by the outside? what then?

how come the outside looks so fine, so normal, when below the surface everything is so fucked up? my voice is gone, disappeared. i need to destroy myself on the outside so that everyone knows how fucked up the inside is. i will never be okay. the thoughts will always race, drive me crazy trying to help. and i just sit here hopeless. apathetic. there's nothing else to be done. life is just going to be like this. maybe if i can put off the start of my life for long enough, it will never have to start. i used to picture my family, my future house, going to work, my future used to be a bright shining star. now i can't think past tomorrow. the future is a black, ripping hole that only promises more of the same. if i think about too many more days, the ripping goes too far and i have to stop thinking before i split in half.

i'm sick of numbing the hurt with food, throwing up the anger. if neither existed, the actions wouldn't be necessary. if total apathy becomes the goal, what then? is it better to lead a short, painful life filled with passion too intense to survive, or trudge through a long, steady life of numbing consistency?

what is the answer?

I haven't been posting on any of the communities I usually do, because they involve having to use words, having to look inward, having to actually thing about things that matter. I cannot do this. I can't handle it. But doing it might be what saves me. I don't know. Right now I'm just procrastinating writing a paper for my comparative lit. class. I hate these papers. They're one page long and are about "reactions" we have to things that come up in class. I actually think that not wanting to write this paper might be connected to not writing anywhere, here, in PS, in my journal - I just can't deal with actual thinking, And I don't know if that's because my body is physiologically capable of concentrating, of processing events, or because I can't deal with the psychological pain that comes with thought, with opening up. I can't even come up with words anymore. I used to be so expressive. I used to love to write, to weave lines of poetry and craft stories. Now all I can seem to muster is subject noun verb subject noun verb over and over again.

And I know you love me, but I can't handle it right now. I am pushing you away, and I am sorry. And I can't for the life of me figure out whether it is for valid, mature reasons, or for the manipulative, childish reasons that my eating disorder whispers. So I say nothing. And I couldn't bear to hurt you. You ask, "what about me? think about me!" and I can't respond, because all I want to do is keep you safe, keep you safe from me. I don't want to drag you down. Everyone needs to be kept safe from me, I am infectious and contagious, and I can't bear the guilt of transferring this to anyone else. And so to do this, I must push everyone away. I isolate. I sit by myself, I eat by myself. And in doing this, I protect everyone else, and I am killing myself. But how could I bear the guilt of change?

Support I have right now:

Monday: Nutritionist (C) [11 am]
Tuesday: Doctor's appointment (J) [9 am]
Wednesday: ED group [2-3:30]
Thursday: Therapy (D) [9 am]
Friday: none
Saturday: none
Sunday: none

So, the weekends are pretty bad for me. Maybe it would be smart to schedule my N appointments on Friday and try and get another T session on Fridays? I don't know. All I know is that getting through the next seven weeks without more support is going to be torture. I can barely get through a weekend.

Ignore this long chart:
M April 14:
T April 15:
W April 16: ED group (2-330)
Th April 17: T (9-10)
F April 18:
*Sa April 19:
*S April 20:
M April 21:
T April 22:
W April 23: group (2-330)
Th April 24: T (855-945)
F April 25: ESL, home
*Sa April 26: home
*S April 27: home
M April 28:
T April 29: Dr Appointment
W April 30: group (2-330)
Th May 1: T (855-945)
F May 2: LING midterm
*Sa May 3: Parents' Weekend
*S May 4: Parents' Weekend
M May 5:
T May 6:
W May 7: group (2-330)
Th May 8: T (855-945)
F May 9:
*Sa May 10:
*S May 11: Motion City Soundtrack concert (Boston)
M May 12:
T May 13:
W May 14: ECON midterm
Th May 15:
F May 16:
*Sa May 17:
*S May 18:
M May 19:
T May 20:
W May 21:
Th May 22:
F May 23:
*Sa May 24: home
*S May 25: home
M May 26: No class (exams break)
T May 27:
W May 28: Final day of classes
Th May 29: Exams break (work on COLT paper)
F May 30: Exams break (work on COLT paper)
*Sa May 31: Exams break (study LING and ECON)
*S June 1: Linguistics Final (3 pm); Comparative Literature Paper due
M June 2: Microeconomics Final (8 am)
---------------
T June 3:
W June 4:
Th June 5:
F June 6:
Sa June 7:
---------------
S June 8: leave for treatment

It's so far away.

41 days left of school

Wondering how long I can last...I would love to be able to be able to leave now, but...I want to finish the term. sigh.

Trying to decide between:

 - Remuda Ranch (AZ)

 - Monte Nido (CA) or Rain Rock (OR)

 - Walden Behavioral (MA)

 - Laurel Hill Inn (MA)

will be updating over the next few days with thoughts/pros/cons

Clean (always okay)
 - 100 cal popcorn
 - apples
 - strawberries
 - blueberries
 - oatmeal
 - green veggies
 - sweet potatoes
 - zone bars, some other protein bars

Sometimes okay
 - nonfat yogurt
 - bananas
 - grapes
 - small amounts of chocolate
 - soy nut butter
 - low cal wheat bread
 - strawberry jam
 - dried cranberries
 - egg whites
 - low fat cheese

Not okay
 - ice cream/frozen yogurt
 - cake/pie/cookies
 - white bread, most cereals
 - pizza
 - meats, egg yolks, full fat dairy
 - anything fried, chips
 - pasta

Intake
0830: zone bar [from my stash of the 'old kind'](210)
1100: enviga (5)
0130: <1 c oatmeal (100), handful of cchips (100), apple (100), scrambled egg whites (30)
0400: ~10? strawberries (?50)
0630: 1/3 c cous cous (230), 2 pieces turkey (40), 5 spinach leaves (5), yogurt (60) with m&ms (80), 1 piece pumpernickel/rye toast (90) with a little butter (50?)
1030: kashi waffle (85), 8 oz powerade (60)
total so far: 1210 = 1250

Intake
0800: 1.5 c raisin bran (285), 1/2 c skim milk (40), <1/4 c blueberries (20), small slice of toast (65) with butter (35)
1030: 10 almonds (70), 1 apple (80)
0100: 1 slice pumpernickel/rye (90), 1.5 pieces turkey (30), yogurt (60), some m&ms (60)
0430: zone bar (210)
0830: sf jello (10), 2 kashi waffles (170), salmon (175), milk chocolate (120)
total: 1520

ntake
0830: oatmeal (80) with skim milk (20) and cchips (70)
1230: salad (20) with lite italian dressing (20), some croutons/cheese (35), and 1/2 c tuna (150)
0600: 1 waffle (85), egg whites (40), apple (80), cinnamon&sugar (40), chocolate chips (150), toast (90), butter (40), bite of a donut (50), 4 blueberries (10)
0800: yogurt(60), m&m minis (70)
1000: powerade (40), waffle (85)
total: 1235


Intake
0830: yogurt (60), mini m&ms (35), toast (90), 1 tbsp natural pb (85)
1100: apple (90)
0100: veggie pita (40+40+160), 1/2 c berries (30), rice (80)
0400: zone bar (210)
0800: raisin bran (150), skim milk (40), some berries (10), bite of donut/cookie (50)
0900: chocolate chips (150)
total: 1230

intake:
0800: oatmeal (100), milk (20), chocolate chips (140)
0100: veggie pita (240), croutons (40), french fries (60)
0430: cookie (75)
0700: popcorn (150)
0830: toast (90) with butter (50), yogurt (60) with m&ms (35)
total: 1060 (overest.)
*edit* fuck. and cake (200)
revised total = 1260

Self-Monitoring
10:00 Breakfast: 1 mini bagel (120), 1 tbsp peanut butter (90), green tea with milk (10), 1 yogurt
    Hunger: very hungry (2) ---> less hungry? full? (5?)
    Thoughts: "I don't want to eat at all right now. I know that if I start eating I'll never be able to stop."
12:15 sugar-free hot chocolate (60)
02:00 Lunch: 2 c grapes (150), tuna sandwich 1/2 tuna sandwich (150), diet lemonade (10)
    Hunger: very hungry (1) ---> too full (8)
    Thoughts: ate grapes and 16 oz of lemonade first because I was avoiding the sandwich, then was too full to eat the sandwich. again, "I know if I start eating I'll never stop."
03:00 Snack? cool whip & oreo crust (300)
    Hunger: neutral (5) ---> comfortably full (7)
    Thoughts: "I want this and feel like it's ok to have something enjoyable, but I'm hesitant because I'm embarrassed to have to write this down and have other people see that I ate this. Plus, this was part of the reason I didn't want to eat lunch...wanting more afterward"

total so far: 890

plan for the rest of the day:
 - 1 granola bar (180)
 - balance bar (200)
 - 3 c popcorn (130)
est. total: 1400

Self-monitoring:
09:00 Breakfast: 1 balance bar (200)
    Hunger: pretty hungry ---> less hungry
    Thoughts: "I'll get a good start on my day. I need to stick with my plan today to lose weight and get in shape."
12:00 Lunch: pb&j (300), small strawberry shortcake mix (cool whip + strawberries + angelfood cake) (150)
    Hunger: very hungry ---> satiated
    Thoughts: "I wish they had had the lowfat yogurt that I had originally planned to get...I feel bad about myself about eating the strawberry shortcake, like I'm indulging myself more than I should be."
01:00 Diet lemonade (10)
02:30 Snack: ~8 crackers, 2 1cm cubes of cheese, 1/2 tsp hummus (200)
    Hunger: hungry ---> satiated
    Thoughts: "I know this snack is going to make me fat, I can already feel the fat on me. I should go back to the gym tonight."
05:30 Dinner: gardenburger on whole wheat roll (300), 1/2 c zucchini (10), sugar free fudgesicle (60), diet lemonade (5)
    Hunger: hungry ---> slightly over-satiated
    Thoughts: "I really don't want to eat this dinner. I already feel like I've eaten too much today. I'm definitely going to the gym after this."
06:30 Green tea with milk (10)
08:30 Nutrigrain bar (140)
    Hunger: somewhat hungry? ---> less hungry
    Thoughts: on the exercise bike - "First I have to burn off the 140 cals from this, this is stupid, why am I eating this?"
10:30 popcorn (100), teddy grahams (200), 2 rice cakes (100)
    Hunger: very hungry ---> satiated
    Thoughts: "You're so stupid, why are you eating this? You have no self-control. Why didn't you stop after the popcorn?"
total: 1785

Exercise:
9:30 am until 11:45 am:
    - about 45 minutes weight training (upper body, abs)
    - 1 hour elliptical
8:30 pm until 9:40 pm
    - 67 minutes stationary bike

Therapy work:

before dinner:
Lindsay: I should eat dinner. I already went to the gym today, and honestly, that was a pretty long workout. More than most normal people do. And I didn't eat a lot today.
E.D.: You ate too much today. You're fat, and to not be fat, you need to eat less. It's so simple. And you only did one hour of cardio today. That's not a lot. You burned 500 calories. That's nothing. You'll probably binge tonight and ruin everything.
Lindsay: I may be feeling fat, but if I don't eat dinner, it will be even more likely that I will b/p later, because I will be feeling hungry and deprived. Plus, a gardenburger, veggies, and a 60 cal sugar free fudgesicle are healthy! I've been healthy today, and I want to keep it up.
E.D.: I still think you shouldn't. Really. You can feel the fat on you. If you just didn't eat dinner, you would be one step closer to losing weight. You're feeling desperate right now, yes? Well, if you would just listen ALL the time and not give in when you want to eat, things would be much better...

after dinner:
E.D.: You should definitely go to the gym right now. You had a huge dinner and are just really big, you need to work out more. You don't deserve to eat this much and work out this little. Or you should go downstairs and get some desserts, and binge on those. That would be fun.
Lindsay: But wouldn't both of those things distract me from doing what I need to be doing, my work?
E.D.: But it would be fun. And at the gym at least, you can do reading while you work out! You wore your sneakers to dinner so that you could go right to the gym, you wanted to then, aren't you going to follow through?
Lindsay: Well...I guess I can see why I could go to the gym. But I definitely can't see why I would binge? Is it because I'm still a tiny bit hungry? And I can't have a little bit more food, because my dinner was big, so the solution to that is binging and purging? That sounds like a stupid solution. It would just make me weak and unable to concentrate on my studying, and it would take up too much time. Wouldn't it be better to wait it out and if I'm still hungry later, have a snack?
E.D.: But you've already eaten so much today! You can't have more! Unless you go to the gym, then maybe you can have a snack after. But go to the gym.
Lindsay: I've worked out 2 hours today already...
E.D.: Yeah, but only 1 hour of that was cardio. You can do more.
Lindsay: I guess you're right...I'll go to the gym and do my reading there.

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
'Cause I cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

I thought I, thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late - two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence
 --Between the Lines, Sara Bareilles


clearly, clearly i remember
hiking up my skirt
and asking for your time

clearly, clearly i remember
nervous if ever confronted
and questioning myself

oh perhaps, perhaps if i got better
perhaps if i challenged myself
perhaps if i was...

just a little bit stronger
just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy
and maybe i'd get there

just a little bit pretty
just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'd get there

clearly, clearly i remember
pulling up my shirt
and staring blank ahead

clearly, clearly i remember
days of useless crying
and almost feeling dead

oh perhaps, perhaps if i was smaller
perhaps i could control myself
perhaps if i was...

just a little bit stronger
just a little bit wiser
just a little less needy
and maybe i'd get there

just a little bit pretty
just a little more aware
just a little bit thinner
and maybe i'd get there
 -- Just A Little Bit, Maria Mena



They've clipped my wings again
tore them apart and then
left me
No use to fly away
to my yesterday
of freedom
My eyes died back that day
seeing the hurt I may
have done
Beat me instead of them
pain is my only zen
of fun

I'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by

So hurting here is where I belong, dreaming a song
blood on my hand to stay strong
The flowers in the graveyard are all gone I don't belong
there is no right to heal the, wrong
Soup's on hot feelin' like I do or die
I can't throw up I don't think I even want to try

You still can't make me cry
you've pinned this butterfly
down
My fire's burning out
kill my flame without
a frown
And starving hurts the soul
when you're hungry for
some love
So if I close my eyes
I can really fly
above

And i'll go where secrets are sold
Where roses unfold
I'll sleep as time goes by
--Lemon, Katy Rose